Month: February 2025

Posted on

After She Is Gone

As my wife continues to slip away we have had numerous conversations as to what my life would look like?

The first thing that has to be stated is that we have no idea how I am going to react to that.

I have started to think about it more and more since I don’t have family, so in many ways, nothing is keeping me in the place I have known as home for nearly 30 years.

She really wants me to take a trip to the beach, although I’m not sure I would want to do that alone.

I think it might easy her worry that she has some idea before she takes her last breath.

I’ve always wanted to take a missions trip of some kind.

At first, thinking about a future without her, I just couldn’t handle to idea of it but it is something I must face whether I like it or not!

Posted on

Pain At A New Level

Through my over 6 decades on this planet, I thought I had experienced every kind of pain there is and somehow I got through it.

However, watching my wife slowly die right in front of me is a kind of pain that I have never known and I know at some point it will reach another level and I don’t have any clue how I will get through that. Not one.

She keeps saying she is sorry for this but it’s not her fault. None of this is anyone’s fault.

Posted on

Another Day In Paradise?

So another day has come and I still have the love of my life which of course is a good thing. It’s been a day of questions and more questions with very few solid answers. I’ve never gone through something like this and in many ways, it’s a very lonely experience. There are so many different thoughts and questions that I must start to take a serious look that I thought I never would.

While speaking with my mother a couple of days ago about my wife’s failing health she asked a question that only mother would ask.

The question was as follows:

Do you have someone who is physically by your side day in and day out to help you and sometimes for you to hold on to in the really tough times? That is a question that a mother who is 300 miles away would even think to ask.

Of course, the answer is no has been for a very long time. To be totally honest about it holding on to door frames and falling to the floor because you are crying so hard you can’t stand up and yet knowing the worst is yet to come. Is not fun by any means. But that is the way it is I suspect that won’t change anytime soon.

So it’s been another day in paradise for me and yet the very worst part is to come. One of 2 things is going to happen. I will be by her side when she takes her last breath or I will find her after she has taken her last breath. Either way, she will be gone. Then that will be another day of paradise for her and in the end that is what this is all about anyway.

Posted on

The End Is Drawing Closer and Closer

Over the last 48 to 72 hours the love of my life is starting to struggle more and more. The reality of this hits every second harder and harder. Just when I think I can’t cry any harder I seem to be able to pass that mark time after time. That is with her still being here, but the harsh reality is that the end may be close. These are the times that you put aside any differences with family members. Those things don’t matter at this point. Her daughter is traveling this week and we hope she makes it until she returns. Regardless I have a phone call in my future that will be the hardest I have ever made and that is to tell her daughter that her mother is gone.

Personally, I am in pure survival mode. I do whatever it takes to get me through one more second. I do sleep some but when I awake I can’t go back to sleep with my mind racing in so many different directions.

She has said that when something happens to her she wants me to take a trip to the beach! of course that would be a hard thing to do because once she is gone I will be all alone and in ways that hurts even more.