Tag: Life

Posted on

Mourning Of A Lost Love

On April 3,2025 I lost the love of my life of almost 30 years. We were married a bit over 28 of those years. Her given name was Nancy but to those of us who loved her so much she was better known as Nance. When I started calling her Nance I have no idea and it doesn’t really matter at this point! All that matters us that she has gone to be with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. She had been ill over about a decade and in December if 2024 I brought her home so she could die at home and that is what happened. It was her and I while the traditional hyms she grew up on played. Bring her home was the right decision but it is still very painful to live in our home knowing it is the place where she took her last breath.

However, as difficult as that was living without her is in many ways this is far worse. The silence in our home is beyond words. You see she was the music to our home. Her energy is what made life worth living and gave me the strength to carry on the battles if life. Now all I hear is a deafening silence that pierces my soul. I have tried playing music and leaving on the television at night for the noise but that really doesn’t help either. The only way I will ever find peace in my soul is the day I meet her with The Lord Jesus Christ!

Posted on

Why Me?

As we go through tough times there does come at some point that it is only natural that you ask yourself this question. Why me? It took 10 years of being a caregiver for my beloved wife ( and her death) and some potentially damaging news about my own health that I finally allowed myself to ask that question. Why so long you might ask? I have no idea. In many ways it is probably a miracle in itself that I haven’t allowed myself to ask that question long ago..

However, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise at all and frankly it’s part of the human experience. Throughout Scripture there are countless examples if people wondering why me? Even Jesus Christ had these immortal words “my god my god why have you forsaken me”? Or in other words he was asking his father in heaven the why me question.

So if you are asking yourself the why me question this day I have another question for you to ponder. As a believer the question becomes as follows. Why not me? You have The Lord Jesus Christ on your side while no believers don’t have that sense if comfort.

Posted on

Lonliness at a New Level?

As I spend another day trying to grapple with the loss of my wife of 28 years a question comes to mind? Is the level if loneliness reach a new level? My best guess is that it has and a major reason for that us the new found health scare I am going through now. She was always there to let me know that things were going to be ok even if she knew that was not the case.

When I returned to college after over 25 years away my first professor had this saying ” there are no solos” Of course she was referring to getting through college.

However, In many ways I am going through the most difficult time in my life physically solo and that makes a difficult situation even worse. We all need a physical shoulder to cry on and someone to say it’s going to be ok. I don’t have that like millions of others. For those of you who do cherish every single second because for those of us who don’t would give anything to have those kinds of relationships.

Posted on

The Night That Changed Everything

It was supposed to be a night like any other. It was about 2 a.m as I stood by a trash dumpster and watch the snow fall ever so gently as it fell past a light post not giving any hint as to what was about to happen. For me I figured it was going to be another night of moving snow and listening to Condominium owners complain how I had it out for them. Trust when you have 9 inches of snow about to fall on your head you don’t think about how you are going to pick on some owner that you have differences with in the past! It’s about getting thing cleared away before people have to leave for work. As I recall it wasn’t a real eventful night just moving snow and pumping as many fluids as possible in me. What I didn’t know was sometime during the process I hurt my lower back pretty bad. When it exactly happened I do not know. What I do know is in the middle if the next night 911 was called because I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk. I was taken to the hospital and spent the next 9 days there. (This was in about 1992.) In ways it was the worst thing ( up to that point) that had ever happened in my life. On the other hand it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was AR that stage where I would attend church in occasion. Then one day a woman (Ann) approached me about attending church with her. SoI did. I then spent almost 4 years in a conservative nondenominational church. Which ultimately led to me answering an add in a Christian Singles Paper ( long before e-harmony).One of the people I wrote to said I was to young for her. A few months later she wrote back and asked if we could start writing again? That was early spring in 1996. So we started wring again and on February 14 1997 we became husband wife for the next 28 years.

So today on our bed in extreme physical and emotional pain all alone with tears cascading down my cheeks and an emptiness in my soul.

The physical pain I feel today is very much like the one I felt all those many years ago but nothing like the emotional pain I have felt since April 3rd when she was called home to be without Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.