Tag: Men

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Another Sleepless Night

Well, here I am again. I haven’t had much sleep, which is the norm these days. The major reason, of course, is my wife’s failing health. It is not so much thinking about it on a conscious level but a subconscious one. Someone said in an e-mail yesterday that I am carrying a heavy load and they are right.

However, when I look closer at what I am feeling, it comes down to one fundamental fact. Like many millions of other Americans, we don’t have a day-to-day physical support system. People who are there regardless of what is going on in their lives. Sure I can bring in home health and the like but that still does not change that fact in our lives. When I hear people complain about this person or another in their lives I just want to scream “You don’t understand how fortunate you are to have those people being there for you”

So it’s thanksgiving and we do have so much to be thankful for and we are blessed in so many ways.

For those of you who have a day to day support system in your life cherish every single second because when you don’t there is such a void that cannot be put into words.

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Why Me?

As we go through tough times there does come at some point that it is only natural that you ask yourself this question. Why me? It took 10 years of being a caregiver for my beloved wife ( and her death) and some potentially damaging news about my own health that I finally allowed myself to ask that question. Why so long you might ask? I have no idea. In many ways it is probably a miracle in itself that I haven’t allowed myself to ask that question long ago..

However, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise at all and frankly it’s part of the human experience. Throughout Scripture there are countless examples if people wondering why me? Even Jesus Christ had these immortal words “my god my god why have you forsaken me”? Or in other words he was asking his father in heaven the why me question.

So if you are asking yourself the why me question this day I have another question for you to ponder. As a believer the question becomes as follows. Why not me? You have The Lord Jesus Christ on your side while no believers don’t have that sense if comfort.

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Lonliness at a New Level?

As I spend another day trying to grapple with the loss of my wife of 28 years a question comes to mind? Is the level if loneliness reach a new level? My best guess is that it has and a major reason for that us the new found health scare I am going through now. She was always there to let me know that things were going to be ok even if she knew that was not the case.

When I returned to college after over 25 years away my first professor had this saying ” there are no solos” Of course she was referring to getting through college.

However, In many ways I am going through the most difficult time in my life physically solo and that makes a difficult situation even worse. We all need a physical shoulder to cry on and someone to say it’s going to be ok. I don’t have that like millions of others. For those of you who do cherish every single second because for those of us who don’t would give anything to have those kinds of relationships.

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The Night That Changed Everything

It was supposed to be a night like any other. It was about 2 a.m as I stood by a trash dumpster and watch the snow fall ever so gently as it fell past a light post not giving any hint as to what was about to happen. For me I figured it was going to be another night of moving snow and listening to Condominium owners complain how I had it out for them. Trust when you have 9 inches of snow about to fall on your head you don’t think about how you are going to pick on some owner that you have differences with in the past! It’s about getting thing cleared away before people have to leave for work. As I recall it wasn’t a real eventful night just moving snow and pumping as many fluids as possible in me. What I didn’t know was sometime during the process I hurt my lower back pretty bad. When it exactly happened I do not know. What I do know is in the middle if the next night 911 was called because I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk. I was taken to the hospital and spent the next 9 days there. (This was in about 1992.) In ways it was the worst thing ( up to that point) that had ever happened in my life. On the other hand it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was AR that stage where I would attend church in occasion. Then one day a woman (Ann) approached me about attending church with her. SoI did. I then spent almost 4 years in a conservative nondenominational church. Which ultimately led to me answering an add in a Christian Singles Paper ( long before e-harmony).One of the people I wrote to said I was to young for her. A few months later she wrote back and asked if we could start writing again? That was early spring in 1996. So we started wring again and on February 14 1997 we became husband wife for the next 28 years.

So today on our bed in extreme physical and emotional pain all alone with tears cascading down my cheeks and an emptiness in my soul.

The physical pain I feel today is very much like the one I felt all those many years ago but nothing like the emotional pain I have felt since April 3rd when she was called home to be without Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.