Tag: Peope

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The Crash Is Here!

The big crash that the one closest to me ( these days) knew was coming has arrived in all it’s glory! After 10 years of being a caregiver for my beloved wife ( and her death) and a new health issue for me ( the first major one without her) the big emotional and physical toll if all of it gas finally caught up with me. The bigger question is why did it take so long? It has been coming like a train through a darken tunnel for a very,very long time. I am extremely isolated, I eat everything in sight and frankly I really have no big desire to speak with anyone. Which of course is the wrong course of action. Some would say that is a sign of depression and they would be right. You’d be depressed too if you were in my shoes. I sit in a 3 bedroom house with a cat. I can’t drive because if a health issue ( my doctor is right about that. It would be unsafe for me or the public if I drove)

However, that being said unless you have walked in my shoes there is no way anyone can truly understand. The thing is I am in no danger if hurting myself. I have no desire or energy for that stuff.

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All Alone At 65

As I sit here at 65 once again the stark reality hits ever so close. I am pretty much all alone. I have not had physical human interaction in almost 4 days now. There have been a couple of emails exchanged but that’s it. Part if it has to do with a current health issue but it goes much deeper than that and it goes back a very long time. You see I was literally raised in a church and for that not to be the center of my universe just goes to my very core. Of course part of that is the passage if time and a massive culture change when outreach was truly a more aggressive form than it is today. Today outreach is much more ” call me if need something” verses ” knocking on someone’s door or picking up the phone and saying ” how can I help?”. Those are two different mind sets. I had someone say to me in an email some time back that they were concerned for my well being. So what happened with that concern? Nothing.

So is today the day I just except this hard fact and just give up on life? I don’t know but it sure is something worth considering.

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Another Sleepless Night

Well, here I am again. I haven’t had much sleep, which is the norm these days. The major reason, of course, is my wife’s failing health. It is not so much thinking about it on a conscious level but a subconscious one. Someone said in an e-mail yesterday that I am carrying a heavy load and they are right.

However, when I look closer at what I am feeling, it comes down to one fundamental fact. Like many millions of other Americans, we don’t have a day-to-day physical support system. People who are there regardless of what is going on in their lives. Sure I can bring in home health and the like but that still does not change that fact in our lives. When I hear people complain about this person or another in their lives I just want to scream “You don’t understand how fortunate you are to have those people being there for you”

So it’s thanksgiving and we do have so much to be thankful for and we are blessed in so many ways.

For those of you who have a day to day support system in your life cherish every single second because when you don’t there is such a void that cannot be put into words.

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Mourning Of A Lost Love

On April 3,2025 I lost the love of my life of almost 30 years. We were married a bit over 28 of those years. Her given name was Nancy but to those of us who loved her so much she was better known as Nance. When I started calling her Nance I have no idea and it doesn’t really matter at this point! All that matters us that she has gone to be with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. She had been ill over about a decade and in December if 2024 I brought her home so she could die at home and that is what happened. It was her and I while the traditional hyms she grew up on played. Bring her home was the right decision but it is still very painful to live in our home knowing it is the place where she took her last breath.

However, as difficult as that was living without her is in many ways this is far worse. The silence in our home is beyond words. You see she was the music to our home. Her energy is what made life worth living and gave me the strength to carry on the battles if life. Now all I hear is a deafening silence that pierces my soul. I have tried playing music and leaving on the television at night for the noise but that really doesn’t help either. The only way I will ever find peace in my soul is the day I meet her with The Lord Jesus Christ!