Writing has really been a true passion of mine since childhood. I had s severe speech problem while growing up and I suspect writing was a way I could express myself. My late wife ( I am still not comfortable with that) said that after she was gone she wanted me to pursue this passion. So Nance here we go. I have no idea where to start or where this will lead me but I know you would never advise me to do something that you thought was not in my best interest.
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The big crash that the one closest to me ( these days) knew was coming has arrived in all it’s glory! After 10 years of being a caregiver for my beloved wife ( and her death) and a new health issue for me ( the first major one without her) the big emotional and physical toll if all of it gas finally caught up with me. The bigger question is why did it take so long? It has been coming like a train through a darken tunnel for a very,very long time. I am extremely isolated, I eat everything in sight and frankly I really have no big desire to speak with anyone. Which of course is the wrong course of action. Some would say that is a sign of depression and they would be right. You’d be depressed too if you were in my shoes. I sit in a 3 bedroom house with a cat. I can’t drive because if a health issue ( my doctor is right about that. It would be unsafe for me or the public if I drove)
However, that being said unless you have walked in my shoes there is no way anyone can truly understand. The thing is I am in no danger if hurting myself. I have no desire or energy for that stuff.
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As I sit here at 65 once again the stark reality hits ever so close. I am pretty much all alone. I have not had physical human interaction in almost 4 days now. There have been a couple of emails exchanged but that’s it. Part if it has to do with a current health issue but it goes much deeper than that and it goes back a very long time. You see I was literally raised in a church and for that not to be the center of my universe just goes to my very core. Of course part of that is the passage if time and a massive culture change when outreach was truly a more aggressive form than it is today. Today outreach is much more ” call me if need something” verses ” knocking on someone’s door or picking up the phone and saying ” how can I help?”. Those are two different mind sets. I had someone say to me in an email some time back that they were concerned for my well being. So what happened with that concern? Nothing.
So is today the day I just except this hard fact and just give up on life? I don’t know but it sure is something worth considering.
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There are times in life when we all hesitate to reach out to others even though we know that God has put it on our hearts. This begs the question of why, and frankly, using Satan ( although his hand is never far away)as an excuse really does get old. I do think sometimes people are hesitant to reach out because of their marital or relationship status. If someone’s marriage is so insecure that outreach directed by God to them by a member of the opposite causes problems, then I would suggest they seek guidance from their Pastor.
However, you have to be on guard that Satan could use that honest desire by God for outreach which could lead to great damage. One of the biggest ways to fight that is to surround yourself around other Godly women.
Many years ago when my wife started having serious health issues a friend of mine talked to me about the kind of women I was being around. Of course back then my emotions were so raw that anything could have happened. Today that would be extremely unlikely.
Then comes a bigger question? When God puts this outreach on your heart are you going to do what God has guided you to do or not the choice is totally up to you.
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