Tag: Faith

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Another Sleepless Night

Well, here I am again. I haven’t had much sleep, which is the norm these days. The major reason, of course, is my wife’s failing health. It is not so much thinking about it on a conscious level but a subconscious one. Someone said in an e-mail yesterday that I am carrying a heavy load and they are right.

However, when I look closer at what I am feeling, it comes down to one fundamental fact. Like many millions of other Americans, we don’t have a day-to-day physical support system. People who are there regardless of what is going on in their lives. Sure I can bring in home health and the like but that still does not change that fact in our lives. When I hear people complain about this person or another in their lives I just want to scream “You don’t understand how fortunate you are to have those people being there for you”

So it’s thanksgiving and we do have so much to be thankful for and we are blessed in so many ways.

For those of you who have a day to day support system in your life cherish every single second because when you don’t there is such a void that cannot be put into words.

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Mourning Of A Lost Love

On April 3,2025 I lost the love of my life of almost 30 years. We were married a bit over 28 of those years. Her given name was Nancy but to those of us who loved her so much she was better known as Nance. When I started calling her Nance I have no idea and it doesn’t really matter at this point! All that matters us that she has gone to be with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. She had been ill over about a decade and in December if 2024 I brought her home so she could die at home and that is what happened. It was her and I while the traditional hyms she grew up on played. Bring her home was the right decision but it is still very painful to live in our home knowing it is the place where she took her last breath.

However, as difficult as that was living without her is in many ways this is far worse. The silence in our home is beyond words. You see she was the music to our home. Her energy is what made life worth living and gave me the strength to carry on the battles if life. Now all I hear is a deafening silence that pierces my soul. I have tried playing music and leaving on the television at night for the noise but that really doesn’t help either. The only way I will ever find peace in my soul is the day I meet her with The Lord Jesus Christ!

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The Night That Changed Everything

It was supposed to be a night like any other. It was about 2 a.m as I stood by a trash dumpster and watch the snow fall ever so gently as it fell past a light post not giving any hint as to what was about to happen. For me I figured it was going to be another night of moving snow and listening to Condominium owners complain how I had it out for them. Trust when you have 9 inches of snow about to fall on your head you don’t think about how you are going to pick on some owner that you have differences with in the past! It’s about getting thing cleared away before people have to leave for work. As I recall it wasn’t a real eventful night just moving snow and pumping as many fluids as possible in me. What I didn’t know was sometime during the process I hurt my lower back pretty bad. When it exactly happened I do not know. What I do know is in the middle if the next night 911 was called because I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk. I was taken to the hospital and spent the next 9 days there. (This was in about 1992.) In ways it was the worst thing ( up to that point) that had ever happened in my life. On the other hand it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was AR that stage where I would attend church in occasion. Then one day a woman (Ann) approached me about attending church with her. SoI did. I then spent almost 4 years in a conservative nondenominational church. Which ultimately led to me answering an add in a Christian Singles Paper ( long before e-harmony).One of the people I wrote to said I was to young for her. A few months later she wrote back and asked if we could start writing again? That was early spring in 1996. So we started wring again and on February 14 1997 we became husband wife for the next 28 years.

So today on our bed in extreme physical and emotional pain all alone with tears cascading down my cheeks and an emptiness in my soul.

The physical pain I feel today is very much like the one I felt all those many years ago but nothing like the emotional pain I have felt since April 3rd when she was called home to be without Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

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The Hide A Bed And Loss

As I begin to think about what my life may be like moving forward with the loss of my beloved spouse, I realize that at some point, there will be some downsizing. (What do I need with a 3-bedroom house?) The thing is that I have this couch set with a folding bed inside. I can’t picture a scenario in which I would need a couch with a hide-a-bed inside. I will probably have someone come in and haul it away.

Isn’t that hide-a-bed like losing a spouse? You can try to hide your emotions all you want, but in the end, those feelings and fears are still present.

I was doing pretty good today with not crying in public until I went to check out at Goodwill and couldn’t figure out how to use my card. The young woman was so gracious and helped me complete that task.

So, do you have a hide-a-bed in your life that you are trying to hide from others? Trust me, that doesn’t work.